Lately, I have been feeling weird. Maybe because so much has changed this year and it is now coming to an end? Or maybe because it is now officially the holidays and I don’t want them to be ruined by something else I find out?
Or maybe it is just a million things at once flooding my brain and making me filled with anxiety and a little anger… I am not sure.
Once you go through betrayal nothing really seems to fall back into place. No matter how BADLY I WANT things to, they just are not slipping back into place. I am DROWNING.
Betrayal SUCKS. It sucks so badly and only those of us who have been through betrayal trauma know what I mean. ONLY those of us who have been through it.
I have literally been a hermit all year long. I am not lying. It has been crazy and weird. Yet, this year still flew by so fast. I am sad because years fly by so damn quickly!
I know I feel this way because I have kids. My babies are growing up and maybe I am scared of that. Well, I KNOW I am scared of this. Why? Because I don’t want to be alone alone.
Would if, when my kids leave and start living their own lives, I am also left behind by the one who betrayed me? Would if????
Then I would be ALL ALONE. And, I would be too old to get involved with another relationship so I would just be ALONE. For LIFE. Ugh.
See? My emotions, feelings and EVERYTHING are coming up NOW. WHY??? Why the hell are they coming up NOW? I was OKAY during the summer months and fall months but now that winter is here? Ya, I am just feeling it ALL.
I think I am because it was snowy and winter when I ‘found out’. So, I suppose that makes sense that I would feel everything so rawly right now, during the longggggggggggggg cold winter months ahead of us, UGH.
No, I haven’t seen a therapist yet. Like I said above, I have been a HERMIT this year. I know there are therapists online but which ones are GOOD??
I called a few and emailed a few but most don’t take my insurance. And who the hell has that kind of money to spend on therapy??? There are bills that need to be paid.
It really sucks that the insurance doesn’t cover shit like this. Like I wanted this? Like I asked for this? This is…